


Move Along

by orphan_account



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance, Pencey Prep
Genre: Anal Sex, Break Up, Cheating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Time, Flashbacks, Frank and Gerard are idiots, Friends With Benefits, Getting Back Together, Heartbreak, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Relationship(s), Projekt Revolution, Rimming, Suicide Attempt, Surprise Kissing, mostly canon-compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-19 02:02:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14864555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Do you know how it feels to watch the love of your life marry someone else?”“Yeah…"“What’s her name?”"Frank."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Gerard opens up to a stanger about his messed up relationship with Frank and things get out of hand. Set during Projekt Revolution.





	1. Not Today

**Author's Note:**

> This has been haunting me for quite a while and I hope it turned out okay. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anything, this is a work of fiction and I don't intend any harm to the people, who inspired these characters.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Disussion of suicide, suicide attempt

Gerard Way tossed his sketch-pad across the room and sighed heavily. Another hotel, another city, another concert the next day. Projekt Revolution was great, but he was actually glad it was gonna be over soon, especially since Mikey wasn’t with them anymore. His brother had taken a break from the band to spend some time with Alicia after their wedding earlier this year and he was happy for him, but he missed him more than he could say. Mikey had come out to play ‘I’m Not Okay’ with them yesterday night in Holmdel and it had been a blast, but leaving him behind in Jersey afterwards had felt just wrong. Gerard hoped with every fiber of his being that his brother would come back and take his place as their bassist again. However, for now they were all staying at a hotel somewhere in Indiana and enjoying their day off before the next gig. Well, more or less. He had had an interview and photo shooting in the morning, which was why he was still in shirtsleeves and a waistcoat. By the time he had been finished, the others had gone out already, so he had holed himself up in his room, done a bit of laundry (since he had run out of clean underwear a week ago and none of his t-shirts had smelled socially acceptable any more) and tried to come up with ideas for the last issue of _Umbrella Academy_. His very own comic, he still couldn’t believe it and was beyond excited for the release next month. Unfortunately he hadn’t been very productive, writer’s block was a bitch.

Gerard decided to take a much needed break and grabbed his pack of Marlboros before he made for the door at the end of the hallway. Earlier today he had discovered that behind the huge “no acess” sign a narrow staircase lead upwards and out on the roof, where he could have a smoke in peace. Judging by the decorations and a bunch of guests in festive clothes, there was a wedding somewhere in the hotel and he wasn’t in the mood for kitsch and too cheery people. Therefore he rather risked getting caught up here instead of going downstairs. Gerard stood by the enclosure and looked into the setting sun. From his vantage point he could overlook a prison, a school and a graveyard. Just great, three different kinds of hell. Suddenly a cluster of actual pink, heart shaped balloons with little cards tied to their strings rose up to the sky, accompanied by loud cheering from below. Apparently he had been right about that celebration, it was horribly corny.

  
Gerard couldn’t help but think of another wedding he had been told about. It had happened a few months ago and a part of him still refused to believe that Frank had married his high school sweetheart Jamia in February. It had been a Vegas thing, therefore there was gonna be another celebration with friends and family next year, the 9th of March, if he remembered correctly. Frank had even asked him to be a groomsman and Gerard had no idea how he was supposed to survive that day. His mind wandered on to a muggy van, heated kisses and frenzied blowjobs in empty dressing rooms and gas station restrooms. He literally had to force himself not to go there. It was in the past, it would never happen again. But… there was this weird “stage gay” thing they had going on. Gerard still couldn’t believe that he had actually walked up to Frank and kissed him in front of thousands of people about a month ago. Until this day he had no idea what had come over him, but _God_ , if it hadn’t been the best he had felt in months! Somehow it had just… happened. They didn’t do it every night, but there had been quite a bit of making out since then. Well, at least until last week, when…

 

Suddenly the door behind him was yanked open and a woman ran towards the edge of the roof. She wore an elegant black dress, matching high heels and glamorous smokey eye make up, that was running down her face. Her short blonde hair was tousled by the wind when she reached the enclose and collapsed against it, crying her heart out, her slim body shaken by violent sobs. Gerard was too shocked to move for a moment, but when she bunched up her dress and swung one of her legs over the balustrade, he snapped out of it and carefully moved closer. He had no idea what he was doing, but he figured that things could hardly become any worse, right? Gerard knew that look on her face only too well, he had been there himself. “Hi”, he blurted out and immediately prayed for the floor to open up and swallow him. Jesus, was that really the best he could come up with? He was supposed to be good with words, for fuck’s sake!

She winced and gave him a deer in the headlights look, her huge green eyes puffy and smudged with the remains of her make up. Gerard didn’t know how long they stood there staring at each other, but eventually he managed to say: “What’s your name?” She sniffed quietly and looked down to the parking lot a few meters below. For a while only the traffic on the freeway right next to the hotel could be heard and Gerard was already wondering whether he would get an answer at all. Finally she murmured: “Natalie.” He smiled at her, even though she still didn’t meet his eyes. “Gerard”, he introduced himself and wracked his brains for something emphatic to say, but he had no clue. This went far beyond his social competences.

 

“Do you know how it feels to watch the love of your life marry someone else?”, she whispered after an eternity of tense silence. Oh. Gerard tore his hair and tipped his head back as he bit back a groan. Why was it always him?! “Yeah… it was a Vegas thing, I wasn’t there. But I have to play groomsman for the family celebration next year”, he sighed wearily. At least he would stand behind Frank and wouldn’t have to see his face when it happened. Natalie nodded and slowly pulled back the leg, that had already hung over the balustrade. Gerard's heart was racing a mile a minute and cold sweat was running down his back. All he could think was ‘dear God, don’t let me mess this up’. That was probably the reason why his filter failed when she asked him: “What’s her name?” Gerard wanted to make something up, anything but the truth, but what came out of his mouth, quick as a shot, was: “Frank.” Just great. Really fucking _great_.

 

At least it got him her attention, since she stared at him in complete and utter confusion. “Long story”, he murmured awkwardly. This time he was the one, who looked away and stared into the distance. “So you’re gay?”, she wanted to know. Gerard had long lost count how often he had been questioned about his sexuality, but he had hardly ever replied earnestly. Given the severity of the situation and the fact that Natalie still looked incredibly upset, he decided on the truth this time and hoped desperately that it wouldn’t come back to bite him. “Bi. Does it matter?”, he replied, a lot more self-confident than he actually was. “I guess not. I just never realized how much we expect everyone around us to be straight. Unless we know better, of course”, she stated, tried to wipe her eyes and smeared her make up even more. Gerard snorted mirthlessly, he would bet good money that nobody on this tour was entirely straight. No one!

 

He offered Natalie a cigarette. She took it carefully. “I’ve never smoked before”, she informed him, but soon they stood side by side and she had gotten over her initial coughing fit. “What’s his name?”, Gerard asked carefully. Natalie bit her lips and whispered: “Damian. He just married my sister. Maybe it could have been me if she hadn’t met him first.” Gerard exhaled a lungful of smoke, but he didn’t say anything. Nothing could make it better anyway. “I can’t stand seeing them so happy, it kills me”, she added quietly and eyed the balustrade again.

 

Oh, Gerard could feel her, only too well. “It gets easie-...”, he said softly, but she cut him off with a bitter laugh and ground out: “Does it? We live in the same street, I have to see them literally every day!” That sucked. Gerard really felt sorry for her, but at least she wasn’t practically living with them. “Frank and I… we’re in a band, we share a tour bus. His bunk is right above mine and I have to listen to them every fucking night on the phone. Usually I turn up my music as loud as I can. I’m probably gonna do permanent damage to my ears, but at least I don’t have to hear him say that he loves her”, he admitted quietly. He had never told anybody how much that hurt. God, he wished Mikey was here with them! Ever since he had left and Frank had gotten married, Gerard felt like he had lost the two people, who understood and grounded him the most.

 

“Does he know how you feel about him?”, Natalie asked him, her eyes finally a little less empty and exhausted. Gerard shrugged. “Probably not. He’s everything I ever wanted, but now he’s married and I kinda have a girlfriend and...-”, he murmured, but she cut him off yet again: “Why!? Don’t you think that it’s incredibly unfair to her that she’s only a replacement for something you can’t have? Believe me, I’ve tried to move on, as well. But if you truly love someone, no one is gonna even come close.” Gerard hung his head. It wasn’t like he had never had that thought before. And he felt horribly guilty every time he thought of Frank while he kissed her or even slept with her. But still… “Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?”, he asked her a little defensively and winced when she gave him a sarcastic look and eyed the balustrade once more. Yeah. Bad choice of words.

 

“I’ve been there, a few times actually. It does get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now”, he whispered apologetically. “I don’t think so”, she sighed while fresh tears dropped off her chin. She flicked her cigarette stub over the edge of the roof and watched it fall. “Please… just let me be”, Natalie begged him, but Gerard simply couldn’t. He knew that she would be grateful one day if he didn’t let her go through with it. Sudden inspiration made him blurt out: “Do you want your sister to remember her wedding day as the day her sister killed herself? That’s just as unfair as my thing with Lindsey.” Natalie flinched violently and took a step back from the enclosure. Thank God. “Is that your girlfriend's name?”, she asked him in a tight voice. Gerard nodded and eyed her closely, but his harsh reality check seemed to have worked to some extent.

 

“Tell me about her. And about… was it Frank?”, Natalie begged him and collapsed into an undignified heap on the floor. Gerard sat down beside her and leaned against the balustrade. He offered her another cig, took a long drag of his own and closed his eyes before he began his story...


	2. Can't Help Falling In Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everybody, who read and left kudos <3
> 
> Flashbacks in italics

_September 9_ _th_ _, 2001_

 

 _Gerard looked around the dimly lit room at the Eyeball House while he nursed his lukewarm beer. He didn’t come out of his parent’s basement_ _very often these days, he simply preferred his comics and the solitude of his den to social interaction. But since Mikey had insisted on attending this particular party on the eve of his birthday, he had been kinda dragged along. Of course he had been here before, he knew the founder of Eyeball Records, Alex Saavedra, pretty well and he had even done a few designs for a couple of bands, but Gerard still felt slightly out of place, even if he fit right in with his Misfits shirt, ripped jeans and leather jacket. He finally drained the last of his beer and decided to go find himself something stronger. On the way to the nearest fridge he bumped into a short guy with dark hair and hazel eyes, who spilled his beer all over him. Just great. The kid hastily apologized and smiled awkwardly before he was swallowed by the crowd. Gerard stood in the hallway, beer dripping off his shirt and wondered_ _why he felt like he had just missed something important._

 

* * *

 

 _October_ _15_ _th_ _, 2001_

 

 _Once again Gerard entered the Eyeball House, Ray, Mikey and Otter in tow. In his hand he held the very first thing he had ever actually recorded (in an attic and a bathroom, but still). They had called it “Dreams Of Stabbing and/or Being Stabbed_ ” _and he was so fucking proud of it! Once they had found Alex somewhere in the basement, they dragged him upstairs and played it to him. And he loved it! Gerard felt on top of the world. “Guys, we gotta get you out there! I’m gonna call a few people...”, Alex immediately started to explain what should happen next. For the first time in forever Gerard felt like he was doing something meaningful with his life. When they left the room, a short guy in an oversized hoodie and baggy jeans was leaning against the wall and greeting them with a toothy smile. He sported the most horrible dreads Gerard had ever seen._ “ _That was fucking_ awesome! _Can I have a copy?”, he exclaimed excitedly as he gave Mikey a hug. “Guys, this is Frank, he’s in Pencey Prep. Uhm… Ray, Matt, my brother Gerard”, Mikey saw to the introductions. Huh. Somehow the kid seemed familiar. It took Gerard a moment, but eventually he remembered the beer incident a few weeks ago. Meanwhile Frank offered_ _them his band’s practice space since they were still jamming in Otter’s attic. Gerard had never seen that much energy and enthusiasm in a person before, but he liked it._

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 _May 5_ _th_ _, 2002_

 

_Gerard rang the bell and bit his lips. Behind him Mikey, Ray and Otter were shuffling their feet and discussing the second half of recording their first album, that was due to start in a week. Hence why they were here. Finally the door opened and Frank stared at them in confusion. As they were all walking down the sidewalk, Gerard took a deep breath and said: “So… y’know, we’re gonna start recording again in a few days and we need another guitarist. We really like you, man, so we kinda wanted to ask you if you’re… interested.” Not the most eloquent he had ever been, but it would have to do. Frank did a double take and blinked a few times before he started to grin like a maniac and yelled: “Fuck, yeah!” Well, so much for that. Gerard returned his grin and pulled him in for a hug. He had no idea why he had done it, it was some kind of gut reaction, but it felt good. Frank was warm and solid in his arms and positively buzzing with excitement. Gerard almost wished he didn’t have to let go again so the others could welcome him into the band, as well._

 

* * *

 

 

 _August 31_ _st_ _, 2002_

 

 _Gerard was still staring at his Nokia. What the actual fuck!? Alex had just called and told him that they were gonna open for Jimmy Eat World tonight. JIMMY EAT FUCKING WORLD!!! At The Allentown Fair in Pennsylvania in front of THOUSANDS of people! Something about the original opener not being able to make it, this was unreal, what were the odds? Somehow he managed to call the guys and tell them and after a lot of freaking out and renting a shitty van from a friend of a brother-in-law of a cousin of Frank’s, they were on their way… It was unreal. The night before they had played a weird basement in Philly in front of exactly three people, but here they were. They had an actual dressing room! And there were_ 6,200 people! _That was more than all of their previous audiences put together. Gerard still felt like he was dreaming when they walked out on the stage and were greeted by deafening cheers. Jesus Christ, he could get used to this! They started out with ‘Honey’, halfway through some kind of weird pogo started and by the end they had won the crowd over. People were jumping around and over each other, it was insane! Gerard sang and screamed his heart out, Mikey was actually_ moving around onstage _, Ray delivered perfectly, just like always, and Frank was on_ fire. _The little ball of energy was jumping around like a kangaroo mouse on LSD and Gerard couldn’t take his eyes off him. After ‘Vampires’ they left the stage in a haze of adrenaline and sweaty bodies and ended up in a group hug as soon as the door of their dressing room had clunked shut behind them. Gerard was sandwiched between Ray and Frank and he couldn’t help but notice that Frank felt… different in his embrace. They were all smelly and gross, but with Frank he didn’t mind. His friend beamed up at him and suddenly Gerard wished that the others wouldn’t be in the room with them. He had never realized how beautiful Frank was. His hazel eyes glittered with giddy excitement, crinkling at the corners because of his huge grin, his lip ring reflected the light_ _and his horrible dreads stuck to his forehead. He was perfect. And for the briefest moment Gerard wondered what it would be like to kiss him. But then Mikey bumped into him, pulled him into another hug and he adamantly shoved the thought aside. However, later that night it came back with a vengeance. Gerard tried so incredibly hard not to admit it, but he definitely had a crush on his rhythm guitarist. And he had no idea what to do about it._

 

* * *

 

 _January 13_ _th_ _, 2003_

 

 _Gerard climbed into the back of the van, yawning and desperate for a few hours of sleep. Otter had just taken over on their drive from Chicago to Minneapolis while the others were fast asleep amongst their duffel bags, their gear and the various clatter, that was stuffed into the muggy vehicle with them. Since Gerard had been driving, he got a spot on the saggy mattress in the back and would at least be able to actually lie down properly. Frank was already occupying half of it and shivering despite the fact that he wore like ten layers of hoodies and shirts and had nicked what looked like every single blanket available. Gerard sighed fondly and fought his way underneath the mountain of blankets, as well. Frank immediately huddled up to his warmth, buried his face in the crook of Gerard’s neck and clung to him like a spider monkey. Gerard bit back a groan when Frank’s icy nose came into contact with his skin and cursed the broken heat for what felt like the hundredth time. It was January. At, like, 15°F. It was fucking_ freezing _, there was actual ice on the inside of the windows and h could see his breath. Luckily their shared body heat was enough to get them both warm and comfy within a few minutes and Frank sighed happily into his neck. Gerard hesitantly wrapped his arms around him and felt a shudder run down his spine, that had absolutely nothing to do with the cold. He had never gotten to hold Frank at night and it felt better than anything he had totally not fantasized about._ _Gerard_ _had buried that stupid crush of his as deep within himself_ _as it would go and done his best to go on as if he had never thought of Frank as anything more than a friend. A really good one, who might even become his best friend before the end of the year. But moments like this always had his resolve cracking and filled his chest with warmth and his belly with butterflies. Who was he kidding… Gerard was long past the point of ‘crush’. He had fallen in love with Frank and he still had no idea what to do about it. Especially since he was supposed to be happy with his girlfriend.  
_

 

* * *

 

 _September 2_ _nd_ _, 2003_

 

 _Gerard chugged down another beer and looked around the room. They had just finished the “Paco Loves Shawna World Tour" with Reggie & The Full Effect and signed to Reprise Records only a few days before that. They definitely had enough reasons to celebrate. He didn’t know_ _whose house the were at, but it was a blast. The music was loud enough to vibrate through his entire body, there was enough booze to drown in it and the smell of weed hung in the muggy air. A few hours later Gerard stumbled out onto some kind of patio in the backyard. His head was spinning, he couldn't even remember how much he had drunk tonight. Out of the corner of his eye he caught movement behind a tree and something, that sounded like a painful groan. Actually it was none of his business, but Gerard had always been too curious for his own good. What he found was… unexpected, to put it mildly. Frank was leaning against the trunk of the gnarled oak, his eyes closed and his head tipped back in ecstasy as he stroked himself. Gerard swallowed hard and blinked a few times, but the sinful image remained the same. He had to be either dreaming or hallucinating. God, he wanted to touch him so badly! Sober Gerard had no idea how it happened, but drunk Gerard didn't give a damn about the fact that they were both in relationships and thought_ _it was a good idea to suck Frank off. Before he knew it, he was on his knees, pushing his hand aside and swallowing him down. Frank let out a strangled cry and buried his hands in Gerard’s mop of greasy hair while his hips thrust forwards and he forced his cock deeper into Gerard's mouth. Fuck, this was more difficult that he would have thought, Gerard had never given head to another guy before and he gagged every time Frank’s cock hit the back of his throat. He tried his best to suck and lick at him and moaned involuntarily when Frank’s fingers_ _in his hair tightened and his thighs tensed up under his hands. His friend tried to pull him off and panted: “F-Fuck, Gee… ’m… I’m gonna… oh_ God!” _, but Gerard sucked even harder and looked up with watery, burning eyes. Frank stared down at him in wonder, his mouth wide open, his brow furrowed and his face flushed red with arousal. And then he shudderd_ _and trembled, his shaft throbbing and twitching in Gerard’s mouth. A desperate moan ripped out of his chest as he started to come and Gerard felt a pulse beneath his straining lips and a splash of hot, thick liquid hitting_ _the back of his throat. He very nearly would have thrown up, but somehow he managed to swallow while Frank gave a few shallow thrusts into his mouth and continued to squirt until Gerard nearly choked on his jizz and it dribbled down his chin. Okay, the taste was a bit gross, salty and tangy, but the rush of emotions was better than anything Gerard had ever felt before. Frank was a panting, shivering mess above him and_ he had done that! _Gerard was damn proud of himself. Suddenly Frank pushed him back roughly and he landed on his ass in the dirt. But before he could protest or think of anything to say, impatient hands ripped open his jeans and pulled out his own erection. And then he was enclosed in the most delicious heat as Frank sucked hard enough for Gerard’s eyes to cross. He was painfully hard and so incredibly turned on, that he didn’t even last a minute. Gerard felt it coming and buried his hands in Frank’s hair just before a wave of ecstasy crushed down on him and he exploded into his mouth._

 

_Afterwards they laid next to each other and tried to catch their breaths. Gerard rolled over and hesitated for a moment before he covered the other’s lips with his. Frank sighed softly and Gerard shuddered the moment their tongues met. It was wet, hot and sloppy, the taste of their orgasms fresh between them, but to him it was utterly perfect. The best kiss he had ever had. When they broke apart, Gerard kept his eyes closed for a few blissful seconds and reveled in the warmth pulsing under his skin and the feeling of ‘fucking finally’, that had his heart beat a frenzied staccato against his rib cage. “What the hell just happened?”, Frank whispered with wide, terrified eyes. The perfect bubble of happiness inside Gerard burst with bang at that. “Oh my God, I cheated on Jamia!” Gerard winced violently and felt cold dread pool in his stomach. Shit. Kat. He had just cheated on his ggirlfriend and she would never forgive him, but he couldn't bring himelf to regret it. “Gee, this has never happened. Please, oh fuck, promise me you’ll keep it a secret! We’re gonna forget this, it will never happen again and we’re not gonna speak of it to anyone, okay?”, Frank pleaded with him. His lower lip was quivering and his eyes were brimming with tears. He sounded so desperate and scared that Gerard found himself shaking his head yes. “Oh, thank God!”, Frank sighed and rubbed both hands over his face. Gerard felt like he was trapped in a nightmare. He had dreamed of the day he finally got to kiss and touch his friend the way he wanted and now that it had finally, finally happened, it was all ripped away from him again. Just like that. He wanted to drink until he passed out, curl up and cry._

 

 _“Never again?”, he whispered quietly. Frank tensed up next to him. Gerard cleared his throat and said as casually as he could: “I kinda liked it.” If there was even the slightest chance that he could have Frank once more someday, he wouldn’t give up. He was gonna take whatever he could get from him, to hell with the consequences. He had never loved Kat like he loved Frank, anyway. “We’re never gonna be more than friends, Gee”, Frank stated in a tone, that left no room for discussion. Fuck, that hurt. Gerard bit back a whimper and blinked away his tears when the stars blurred before his eyes. “What does that have to do with it?”, he retorted firmly, no matter how the words burned his tongue and left a horrible taste in his mouth. “Wait, you mean, like… friends with benefits?”, Frank asked him. His friend was pretty confused and more than a little shocked by the sounds of it, but at least he wasn’t freaking out any more. Gerard felt like the world's biggest asshole, but he shoved his broken heart aside and forced himself to look Frank in the eyes when he said: “I mean, when we have hotel nights, we usually share a room anyway. No one has to know. Just… helping each other out.” It was the hardest fucking thing he had ever done. Frank bit his lips and stared at him, doubt written all over his face. “Friends, nothing more. Jamia will always be the one I come home to. Nobody can know, not even Mikey, and we stop the moment it causes problems within the band. And… I can’t… I mean… I won’t have_ real _sex with you”, Frank finally murmured with his eyes closed. Gerard sighed quietly. This was so incredibly messed up, but he already knew that he was gonna go along with everything Frank had just said. Yes, he was that desperate. At least it wasn’t an ‘I-will-never-let-you-near-me-again’, but that was a cold comfort if he had ever heard of one._


	3. Realize That It's Gone

_May 24_ _th_ _, 2006_

 _Gerard smiled into the darkness of his bedroom. He was panting and twitching with aftershocks of yet another earth-shattering orgasm Frank had given him. The past three years had gone by in a rush, he had gotten clean and sober, his baby brother was engaged and they were recording their third album in a fucking haunted house. And his arrangement with Frank was still going on. At first it had only happened like once a month, but soon it had become once a week and even more frequent after that. Whenever they got away to a room with a lock, they would go at it. They had both gotten really damn good at giving head, no shit, Frank’s mouth was incredible! But Gerard’s feelings had only grown along with their increasing physical closeness. He loved Frank more than anything. And even though he hadn’t told anyone – that was the true reason why he had broken up with Kat a few weeks ago. Now his love life consisted solely of Frank and it felt weird, but liberating. He was the happiest when_ _he was with him. Whenever he laid next to Frank, sweaty and satisfied, he could pretend that this thing between them was more than the fucked up gentleman’s agreement they had. At_ _least for a little while. “This has to end, Gee”, Frank murmured beside_ _him and Gerard felt like somebody had doused him with ice water. “W-What do you mean?”, he asked tensely, desperately trying to keep his voice steady. “I’m gonna propose to Jamia. Tomorrow. And I can’t keep this up, I never should have let it go on for so long in the first place”, Frank stated quietly, ripping what was left of Gerard’s heart to pieces in the process. He watched numbly how the love of his life collected his clothes and got dressed to go and be with somebody else. Nothing had prepared him for this, it came out of nowhere. “Are we still good, though?”, Frank asked him from the door and with herculean effort, Gerard managed a smile and a nod. Frank smiled back and shut the door behind him. There had been an odd look in his eyes, but Gerard was too far gone to wonder what it meant. It was then that he realized that he had just missed the opportunity to run after Frank, confess his love to him and beg him to give them a chance. Not that it would do much good, Frank had been pretty clear about_ _that from the beginning. It was too late now anyway. Frank had already made up his mind and bought a ring for Jamia. Gerard couldn’t bear the roaring pain in his chest and threw on a shirt and a clean pair of boxers before he sneaked into his brother’s room and crawled into bed with him. Mikey immediately wrapped his arms around him and whispered: “So Frank told you about the proposal?” Gerard stiffened. They had been so careful, had never said a word to anybody and kept their intimacy behind carefully locked doors. There was no way Mikey could know how he felt a_ _bou_ _-_ … “ _Oh come on, I’m not fucking dumb! This has been going on for a year at least, am I right?”, his brother sighed wearily. “More like… three”, Gerard admitted sheepishly and buried his face in Mikey’s shirt. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”, his brother hissed incredulously and Gerard flinched a little. “Doesn’t matter anyway. He never wanted to be more than friends, it was just, like, handjobs, kissing and blowjobs. And he ended it because of_ _Jamia”, Gerard whispered gloomily around the huge lump in his throat. “TMI, dude, I really didn’t want to know that”, Mikey groaned and cringed violently. It was quiet for a while until his brother whispered: “But you_ do _love him, don’t you?” That was the moment Gerard finally dissolved into tears and tried to silence his sobs in Mikey’s shoulder._

 

* * *

 

 

 _March 1_ _st_ _, 2007 Chicago_

 _They were playing a show near Chicago and so far everything was going smoothly. A week ago the Black Parade World Tour had begun and by now they had overcome the usual technical difficulties and little problems, that came with starting a new show. They had nearly made it through already, only six of their older songs and the rest of ‘Prison’ to go. Gerard stood next to Frank at the edge of the stage when_ _out of nowhere, the guitarist turned around and let go of his instrument to slowly and deliberately grab his face with both hands and press their lips together. Gerard gasped, only for his mouth to be plundered by Frank’s tongue. It was messy and slimy, there was too much saliva and they were both out of breath, but to Gerard it was fucking heaven. His heart was_ _beating_ _way too fast to be healthy and his head was spinning, but he kissed back as soon as he had somewhat recovered from the shock. Frank devoured him and pushed so much into his touch that Gerard stumbled a few steps back before his brain got back into gear and he tore himself away to continue the song he had to sing. He would have loved nothing more than to toss his mic into the audience and drag Frank to the closest dressing room, but he had a feeling that wasn’t the greatest idea he had ever had. Gerard spent the rest of the gig in some sort of trance. He simply couldn’t believe that this had actually happened, not after Frank hadn’t touched him in almost a year, not since the night before his engagement. After a lot of initial awkwardness they had reached a point, where_ _they could sit close on a couch or hug platonically again, but it still wasn’t how it had been before their ‘not-relationship’. If he was being honest, Gerard doubted it ever would be again. Not as long as he yearned for Frank with every fiber of his being and he dreamed of him nearly every night. And actually he had been sure that it would never happen again, because Frank had gotten married to Jamia after they had come back from touring Australia last month. God, he was so fucking confused! Afterwards they all met up in their dressing room and Gerard chugged a bottle of water. “Frank, what the fuck was that?!”, Mikey wanted to know with more than an edge of irritation in his voice. Gerard couldn't help but be grateful for the way he looked after him. Mikey truly was the greatest brother he could have asked for. Frank bit his lips and shrugged before he murmured: “Dunno, there was a guy, who was yelling about faggots at my side of the stage and it kinda pissed me off. Guess I got carried away, ‘m sorry.” Gerard didn’t buy it (and neither did Mikey, judging by his raised eyebrows), but he decided not to pry and accepted the apology. Frank was a married man, what good would it do? He had made his decision. Gerard only hoped that he would stick with it and stop making things even harder for everybody else involved._

 

* * *

 

 

 _July 24_ _th_ _, 2007_

 _It was the night before the first day of the Projekt Revolution Tour and Gerard looked around the parking lot, where they were celebrating a wild party before the first concert the next day. Everyone was there, it was fucking wild, anticipation and excitement in the air. Someone offered him a soda and he immediately recognized the deep brown eyes and the full red lips of Lindsey Ballato, bassist of Mindless Self Indulgence. They had met before, in 2003, she was such an awesome person, loved art and was just as nerdy as he himself. Gerard might have even considered getting closer to her if he had been free at the time, but he had been with Kat and Frank and unable to deal with that already. Now, however… Frank’s rejection still hurt like a bitch. Gerard hadn't been present for Frank's and Jamia's wedding, but his cruel mind would make up dreams of them in a Vegas chapel,_ _speaking the vows, kissing and exchaning rings. Those were the very worst kind of nightmares. But he had moved on, at least that was what he would like to make himself believe. And now he was served the perfect distraction on a silver platter. Lindsey might be able to soothe the gnawing pain in his shattered heart. By the end of the night they kissed behind MSI’s tour bus. Gerard awoke the next morning in a cramped bunk with his arms wrapped around his naked girlfriend._

 

* * *

 

 

 _July 28_ _th_ _, 2007_

 _It was the third day of Projekt Revolution Tour and so far Gerard loved it. The crowd was lit, the shows were electric and he was in a new relationship, which was pretty much synonymous with regular sex. The only thing, that bugged him, was the others’ reactions to his fling with Lindsey. Ray and Bob had congratulated him, but had looked kinda confused and Gerard had definitely noticed the glances they had thrown at Frank. He should have known that they weren’t dumb enough to swallow their band mate_ ’ _s meager explanation for the kiss-incident, as he had taken to refer to what had happened in March. Mikey had shot him an ‘I’m-so-disappointed-in-you’ look, that had Gerard actually consider breaking up with Lyn-Z that very day, but in the end he hadn’t, because Frank had only smiled and said something about being happy for him. Actually Gerard had hoped for a little jealousy, maybe even anger, was that too much to ask for? All he had gotten was a weird look in Frank’s eyes and that had been it. Anyway, currently they were playing their set and were almost done. Once again he was singing ‘Prison’ and once again he couldn’t keep the feeling of Frank’s lips on his in front of thousands of people out of his head. It had happened again during their set at Download festival last month and he still had no idea what it meant._ _Their youngest member had been on fire today, he had ground against Gerard, all but dry-humped his leg and smeared blood all over his face after he had cut his finger. He wanted to kiss him again, feel him writhe against him and bite at that ridiculously hot lip ring. Gerard was fucking desperate, he felt like he was gonna explode when all of a sudden something snapped inside him and he literally couldn’t take any more. Ray’s solo was drawing to a close when he sauntered over to Frank’s side of the stage and leaned in, but he chickened out at the last second. Damnit, how hard could it be? It was only payback, if Frank could throw him such curve_ _balls_ _, he definitely had the right to return the favor. So he turned back around and simply went for it. He grabbed Frank’s hair, looked into his hazy eyes for a split second and yanked him close before he crashed their lips together. Gerard remembered only too well that Frank loved his hair being pulled, so that was what he did. His friend immediately let go of his guitar and clung to him like his life depended on it while he kissed him back with just as much need, desperation and heat. Unfortunately there was still a song to perform, therefore Gerard steppped back after a few seconds and pushed Frank away, so that he could go back to his performance. He felt giddy and fucking_ alive _when he pranced around, even doing his ‘chicken dance’ as the fans called it. They rode the wave of adrenalin all through the rest of their set. Frank decided to turn around Ray’s mic during teenagers, so that it faced the audience instead of him and of course Gerard had to walk over and fix it since he was the only one with an unoccupied hand, but he didn't mind, nothing could bring him down from his high. He had kissed the love of his life and he had responded. Usually absolutely nothing could make Frank stop playing, not even lying upside down or tearing down thousands of dollars worth of equipment. But the moment he had pulled him close, Frank had positively melted into his touch and forgotten everything around them. That was all Gerard needed to make his day. Well, at least until he got offstage and was greeted by his girlfriend’s frown._

 

* * *

 

 

_August 22 nd, 2007 _

_Gerard was tense. Their sound was somehow a bit… off. Maybe it was because he couldn’t quite let go and lose himself in the music, because he was constantly eyeing Frank and trying his best to avoid any of their usual stage antics. The past few days had been rough, to say the least. Lindsey hadn’t been happy about their ‘stage-gay’ thing, to say the least. It had started with subtle hints and questions like ‘Do you really want your kids to see you on the internet like that one day?’ She had truly mastered the female art of expressing her displeasure without outright complaining. Nagging, but never criticizing, never bitching about it, while making damn sure that he knew exactly how much she hated his behavior. All that guilt-tripping was wearing him down. It had gone on for maybe two weeks until things had kinda... escalated in Tampa a few days ago. Frank had actually licked his face during ‘I’m Not Okay’ and then straddled him in a very suggestive way during ‘Give ‘Em Hell, Kid’. That night Lindsey had waited for him backstage with a positively murderous expression and told him that she wouldn’t share and that he had to make a decision very soon if he wanted their relationship to go anywhere. Gerard had mumbled an apology and stared at his shoes. He didn’t know what he and Frank had been doing, only that it was wrong, but felt too good to stop. However, he had to get over everything they had never had eventually. So he had sat his friend down that night and begged him to tune it down to a level, that wouldn’t put his new relationship at risk. Frank had looked mildly frustrated, but taken it quite well, shrugging it off and cracking a joke about him being henpecked already. So that was where they stood when his guitarist decided to climb onto an amp during ‘Sharpest Lives’ and lean in like he wanted to kiss him. Gerard saw red. He would have given Frank everything and then some, but he hadn’t wanted it and rejected him before Gerard had even been able to tell him how much he loved him. And now that Frank had tied himself to somebody else and left Gerard behind, he tried to jeopardize the literal only thing he had left!? Lyn-Z would never be able to give him what he truly needed, but he felt less broken around her and she helped keep his nightmares at bay. Frank knew about that last part and he obviously didn’t give a damn. That was why Gerard yanked him off the amp and pushed him hard enough for Frank to fall down and land on his ass. He kicked him for good measure and felt a pang of regret when his foot made contact with warm flesh and Frank let out a sharp gasp and a pained moan. As soon as it happened, Gerard wished that he cold take it back. This had gotten way out of hand, what the fuck was wrong with him!? But no matter what, he couldn’t undo it and aimed another kick at the amp, that had toppled over, before he got himself a bottle of water and chugged it down. By the time he had himself under control again, Frank was back at his side of the stage, with his shoulders hunched and his face hidden beneath his dark hair. It was so fucking wrong, Gerard could have screamed. And when he watched Lindsey suck him off enthusiastically with victory in her eyes later that night, he very nearly would have cried, because he had a feeling that no matter what he did, he had sounded the death knell for his friendship with Frank._


	4. Hear Me Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On with the actual plot :)

 

Gerard sighed heavily once he was done. “I bought a ring a few days ago, I’m thinking abou-...”, he murmured, but once again Natalie chimed in and protested: “Don’t.” Gerard smiled sadly. “He has Jamia. And I don’t feel so broken when I’m with Lyn-Z”, he tried to explain. “She won’t ever be truly enough”, Natalie whispered and he knew that she was right, but he was a stubborn little shit, as well. “She can give me a family”, he stated almost petulantly. “You know, there’s this thing called adoption, you might have heard of it”, she deadpanned immediately. Ouch.

 

They sat in silence for a while, but Gerard could tell that she wasn’t done. Finally she took a deep breath and said: “It’s not my place to tell you how to handle this, but… Alright, let’s make a deal. If you tell him how you truly feel, I won’t jump.” What the actual fuck?! Of course it was just his luck that the door opened again and Frank walked out onto the roof before he could even answer that. He looked drop-dead gorgeous in his black leather jacket with a cigarette held between his ridiculously perfect lips.  


Gerard swallowed hard and looked away from Frank’s questioning hazel eyes. Why did he have to be so goddamned beautiful? Frank took Gerard’s breath away by simply existing, he didn’t even have to try. His heart-stopping smile, his inherent kindness, his cute giggles, the way he obsessed over anything with fur and four legs and the passion and commitment in everything he did… Gerard was lost and he knew it. “That’s him, isn’t it?”, Natalie whispered next to him. He could only nod mutely and stare at his feet. What if he actually went through with it and came clean too Frank? What would it do to their friendship, to the band? Frank was married, for God’s sake, they had agreed long ago that it didn’t mean anything, it had just been sex, then nothing but a stage thing and even that was over by now! No matter how much he wished it were different.  
  
Natalie squeezed his shoulder and murmured: “Go ahead. I’ll leave you to it”, before she got up, made for the door and shut it behind her. Just great. Logically Gerard knew that he should make up some kind of story about who she was and what she had been doing up here with him, but his talk with her had him agitated and on edge and suddenly there was no way he could keep it in any longer. He had hidden his true feelings for years, he had never let himself utter the words he wanted to say so badly and all at once he felt like he was gonna explode if he didn’t get it off his chest _right now_.  
  
Frank strode over towards him and offered him a hand to help him up. “You got a light?”, he asked him and Gerard watched totally entranced how Frank’s long lashes cast flickering shadows on his creamy skin as he lit up. He didn’t deserve him, not by a long shot, but that had never kept him from falling head over heels for his best friend. Gerard had imagined countless times how he would finally tell Frank about his feelings, he had an entire speech at the ready, but now that he was about to do it, not a single word came out of his mouth. “Who is she? She looked kinda the worse for the wear”, Frankie wanted to know. He definitely had a point there.  
  
Gerard swallowed hard and murmured: “Her name is Natalie. You’ve probably noticed that wedding tonight, right? It’s her sister’s and she’s in love with the groom. I kinda talked her out of jumping off the roof and...-”, he tried to explain, but Frank cut him off and blurted out: “Holy shit, how’d you do that?!” For fuck’s sake, what was it today with people never letting him say his piece!? However, this was as good a transition as any, so he closed his eyes and finally ground out: “I simply told her that the exact same thing happened to me and that it gets better… eventually.”  
  
During the slightly awkward silence, that followed his words, Gerard peered at Frank and tried to gauge his reaction. His friend furrowed his brow and seemed to be completely clueless. Seriously?! Which part of that statement could be possibly misunderstood? “Eh? But… hang on… so what, _Alicia?!_ Why haven’t you told me?”, Frank voiced his thoughts and Gerard fought the urge to facepalm. Jesus fucking Christ! At least his indignation finally rid him of his inhibitions and everything he had bottled up inside him for more than six years burst out of him in a frenzied torrent of words.  
  
“No, of course not! Isn’t it obvious? It’s _you,_ dumbass! It has always been you. I can’t even tell you how I feel when I’m around you, it’s insane, it’s weird and it scares the shit out of me, because… Frankie, I… I love you. I’ve loved you ever since I our first tour. I never meant to, but I just can’t help it. It took me a few months to realize and I couldn't accept it, I fought it so hard, you have no idea. I mean – you were with Jamia, I was with Kat and I had never crushed on a man like this. There was the band, I was so afraid to mess it up, you guys never would have forgiven me. That’s why I never said anything, but then _that_ _night_ happened and I simply couldn't let go again. I felt so bad about it, but I needed you so badly and in the end I always convinced myself that it was just messing around, which is bullshit. It was everything. I’ve never been happier in my life than when we were together.  
  
Of course I’ve always wanted more, I want all of you, for the rest of my life, but that very first night you said that we could never be more than friends with benefits. Do you even know how much that hurt? I had wanted you for _years_ and then, when I finally had you, you took it all away from me again. But I tried to come to terms with it and be everything you would let me be to you. I even broke up with Kat, because I couldn't keep up the act of the straight boyfriend any longer. And then you got engaged to Jamia and I was so fucking jealous. I wanted it to be me! _I_ wanted to be the one, who got to kiss you in public, who got to hold you at night and who wore your ring! God, I almost would have relapsed and gotten wrecked the night you told me about your wedding. I love Jamia, don’t get me wrong, but I hated her that day.  
  
Maybe what we had was only a meaningless affair to you, maybe I was just good enough when she wasn’t there, but to me it meant the world. I would do anything for just one more night, because I’ve been numb for so long and you’re the only one, who can still make me _feel_. And then you kissed me a few weeks ago and it was so fucking great, I just had to do it again and again after that. I can’t get enough of you. And I swear, I didn’t want to stop the stage gay thing and I’m so fucking sorry for the way I pushed you away in Clarkston. It’s Lindsey, she’s been nagging at me to stop it pretty much since it happened for the very first time. And last week she said that it was either you or her and I just… snapped. I saw a video of it on YouTube and it looked so fucking brutal, I fucking kicked you! I’m so damn relieved that you didn’t get hurt, I’d never have forgiven myself. Please believe me, I never would have done that if she hadn’t been messing with my head so much. All I want is you, but since I can’t have you, I tried to keep my distance. You know that I’m not good at being single. I don’t love her, not for real, not enough for a relationship, but she’s all I have. So I guess I’ll have to try and make it work anyway, even though I know that she can’t give me what I need.  
  
I need _you_ , Frank. I need you like breathing. But it’s okay that you don’t feel the same, just… don’t let this destroy our friendship. I know that we’re never gonna be what I want us to be and I’m trying really hard to accept it, because I can’t lose you completely. You can simply ignore this conversation if you want, act like it never happened. But I wanted to tell you the truth. And I wanted to tell you that I love you more than anything. Even if this should be the only time I ever get to say it. I love you, Frankie. And I always will, because you’re the One for me.”  
  
Frank stood rooted to the spot. His cigarette had fallen from his slack lips and all color had drained from his face. His eyes were huge, watery and shocked, his fingers trembling as he pressed a hand to his quivering lips. A single tear rolled down his perfectly shaped cheekbone before he wiped it away, sniffed quietly and whispered: “No, Gerard. Why couldn’t you have told me that _before_ I married her?” And then Frank turned around and walked away from him, his shoulders hunched and his feet dragging, as if he was crushed by the weight of Gerard’s confession.  
  
Gerard watched him disappear behind the door and felt like all air had been sucked out of his lungs. This was it. He had bitten it back for years, only for it all to go to hell the moment he opened his mouth after all. God, Ray, Brian and Bob would fucking _kill_ him! He had known it, goddamnit! For fuck’s sake, why did he have to destroy every single good thing he had in his life!? Gerard made for the stairs, moving like a sleepwalker, sluggishy and uncoordinatedly. He felt numb, as if he was trapped in a bubble, that insulated him from the world. The emptiness in his chest and his thoughts scared him, but he couldn’t even freak out properly.  
  
The moment the door of his hotel room clunked shut behind him, he fumbled for his phone and selected his first speed-dial contact. Gerard bit his nails while he waited until – finally – a familiar voice asked: “Hey, what’s up?” And that was when he finally started to cry and let out all the pain, that had only lurked around the corner until it could break free. “Oh my God, Gee, what happened?”, his brother asked him in a completely shocked voice. “M-Mikey? I...I...I m-messed up”, Gerard stammered and had to calm down his brother when he nearly had a panic attack because he thought that he had relapsed or tried to kill himself. Only ten minutes later Mikes started his car while Gerard poured his heart out. In the end he cried himself to sleep, listening to his brother’s soothing voice. He would be here when he woke up. God, Gerard loved him so fucking much!  


* * *

When Gerard jolted awake halfway through the night, it was to his brother’s sleeping form next to him in the double bed. He whined quietly and snuggled closer, all but crawling into Mikey’s embrace and burying his nose in the collar of his shirt. With a tired groan a pair of lanky arms wrapped around his body and held him as he shattered into a million pieces yet again. His sobs eventually died down, but the hollow feeling in Gerard’s chest was still there. He rubbed at his puffy eyes and glanced at his brother’s worried face. Mikey looked horrible, he had to have driven like a maniac to make it from Jersey to Indiana in under ten hours. “Who let you in?”, Gerard asked him quietly. Fuck, he sounded like a chain smoker. He had no idea how he was supposed to survive tonight’s concert. “The receptionist girl. She’s a fan, I signed her phone. Try to go back to sleep, Gee. I’m not going anywhere”, Mikey murmured and Gerard was so exhausted from his crying fit that he had no problems with that for once.


	5. Tear In My Heart

To say that soundcheck was awkward would have been a huge understatement. Gerard’s voice was wrecked, in the end he only did the absolute minimum before he went on vocal rest for the rest of the day and drank his weight in throat coat. Frank was incredibly tense and stood rooted to his spot through the whole thing, something that had literally never happened before. Mikey had asked Matt Cortez, their surrogate bassist, to step back and let him play today’s show. Bob, James and Ray were confused, to say the least, and pestered him with questions as to why he was here since he had actually taken time off to be with Alicia. As far as Gerard could overhear their conversation, his brother said something about missing them all and the shows and that he had kinda tasted blood when he had played a song with them in Holmdel two days ago. Once again everybody realized that they were being bullshitted, but nobody chose to say anything about it. However, Gerard knew that he was gonna have quite a few uncomfortable questions to answer as soon as Ray and Bob got him alone.

 

  
A lot sooner than he would have liked, it was time to get dressed for their set. Matt’s parade jacket was a little too short for Mikey, but Gerard figured that nobody would give a shit as long as they got his little brother back onstage with them. Of course he was right about that. Mikey played the first song with his back to the crowd before he turned around and Gerard yelled into his mic: “Today on bass: MIKEY FUCKING WAY!!!” The screaming was deafening and finally sent the rush of adrenaline through his system, that he had needed to get through this show. It had never been so hard to let himself be carried by the music before, but he managed… somehow. He never could have done it without his brother, though. However, Gerard couldn't help but notice that Frank was a lot less energetic today, there was hardly any jumping around, no writhing on the floor an he didn’t leave his half of the stage a single time. Ray, Mikey and Gerard tried their best to make up for the unusual restraint of their rhythm guitarist, but they were simply no match for Frank at his best.  
  
The set went smoothly enough until they got to ‘Prison’. Why the hell was it always that fucking song!? Suddenly Frank was right there next to Gerard, just as Ray shredded the solo. Before he knew it, Gerard was grabbed and kissed within an inch of his life. Frank’s lips were urgent, desperate and fucking _real_ on his and the choked sob, that was too quiet for anyone else to hear, nearly had Gerard burst into tears. This was too good to be true, he had been so sure that he would never get to have it again, so he pressed closer, dropped his mic and kissed back with everything he had. The roar of the crowd, Ray improvising a solo, that was at least twice as long as usual, a guitar digging uncomfortably into his hip… none of that registered, all Gerard could feel was Frank. And here, in their tiny bubble, he was happy.  
  
Of course they had to snap back to reality at some point and Gerard managed to finish the song, even though he had no idea how he got through that. Ray stared at them in shock and confusion (and he looked more than a little pissed, because they had messed up the song), Bob grinned like a Cheshire cat and Mikey rolled his eyes when Gerard glanced at him. He would worry about their reactions once they got offstage and he had actually time to process what had happened. ‘Teenagers’ and ‘Helena’ went by in a haze and finally it was time for ‘Cancer’. Gerard stood by the edge of the stage and waited for the others to leave before James played the intro and he began with a bit of Flash Gordon before the actual song started.  
  
By some miracle his voice hadn’t abandoned him, yet, but this song was something else. This time he couldn’t hide behind his friend’s guitars and the fans screaming his lyrics back at him. He didn’t even make it halfway through before his voice cracked. Gerard skipped the ‘know that I will never marry’ part and cleared his throat before he rasped out the rest of the lyrics. Somehow it was fitting. He had never wanted to get married, because he simply hadn’t believed that he would ever get to keep the one he truly wanted. Now, though… Gerard didn’t know what the kiss meant, but Frank surely wouldn’t have done it if they were over for good, right? So if there was even the slightest chance… Gerard would marry Frank in a heartbeat. He totally realized that Frank wasn’t free and probably wouldn’t be for quite some time, if ever, but a guy could dream.

 

Gerard bowed and said his goodbyes before he left the stage and gratefully accepted the towel and the water Mikey held out for him. That was when he set eyes on his girlfriend and he felt his entire body freeze up. He hadn’t wasted a single thought on her. She was the reason why he had stopped making out with his guitarist onstage, but today Lindsey had been the farthest thing from his mind. There had only been Frank, Frank, Frank, no room for anyone or anything else. She glared at him, obviously not caring that she was gonna cause a scene, but before she could even open her mouth to yell at him, a hand closed around Gerard’s wrist and he was dragged down a corridor, into their dressing room and from there to the tiny adjoining bathroom.  
  
Frank pushed him against the wall and chewed his bottom lip. Gerard could have drowned in his hazel eyes. And then Frank whispered: “About yesterday… did you mean it? All of it?” Gerard was speechless. Was this really what he thought it was? Because there was _hope_ in Franks eyes and he prayed that he didn’t read this wrong. He managed a nod and bit back a sob when Frank continued: “Did you mean it enough to give us a chance? Enough for me to not regret divorcing Jamia? ‘Cause if we’re doing this, I won’t hide what I feel for you any longer. I love you too, Gee, and I want the whole world to know.” Oh God, Gerard felt like his heart was gonna burst with happiness. This had to be a dream, but Frank’s hands, that cupped his cheeks, felt pretty damn real. “Whatever you want, as long as you come back to me”, he managed to say before their lips collided again.  
  
Gerard moaned deep in his throat and finally let himself go. His world consisted of nothing but Frank’s firm, sweaty body in his arms, the damp strands of dark hair between his fingers, the metal of a lip ring digging into his skin and the firm heat of a boner, that was pressed against his own. A raging fire burned in his chest and filled his veins with scourging heat. They were in a venue’s bathroom, it was unlocked and it was only a matter of time until someone walked in on them, but he couldn’t care less. Already loud voices and footsteps could be heard from the dressing room and only seconds later the door was yanked open and Lindsey stood on the threshold like an avenging angel. “I fucking knew it! I told you I don’t share! Fuck you, Gerard, we’re so fucking over!”, she yelled and stormed away in a fury, slamming the door behind her for good measure. Well, that had been surprisingly easy. Gerard felt bad for her, he really did, she deserved better from him, but at the moment the more pressing matter were their band mates, who stood in the doorway with varying expressions of amusement and exasperation. He held on tight to Frank and braced himself for the inevitable.  
  
“Boysssss”, Ray sighed gloomily, “can you please keep whatever you do to each other behind closed doors? I really don’t wanna see any of it, especially not when you guys mess up our set to suck faces onstage!” “Shut it, Toro, you’re only pissed because you owe me fifty bucks! I told you that they’d get their shit together before the end of the tour, but nobody listens to the drummer”, Bob exclaimed cheerfully and rubbed his hands with glee. Seriously? Gerard felt Frank giggle into the skin of his neck and goosebumps erupt all over his back. His boyfriend (Did he actually get to call him that now?) snuggled even closer into Gerard’s embrace, blatantly ignoring the others. “Frank, I love you man, but I swear to God, if you hurt him ever again, I’m gonna end you. And if he cries himself to sleep because of you just one more time, no one will ever find your body”, Mikey stated in an eerily quiet voice. Gerard glared at his brother, couldn’t he save his protective speech until they had had time to truly figure out where they stood? “Got it, Mikes”, Frank murmured awkwardly and glanced wearily at their friends in the doorway.  
  
In the meantime Ray had taken a few notes out of his wallet and handed them to Bob, not without some scowling and a muttered curse. “Alright, get your asses into the shower, bus call is in a few hours. Oh, and guys – no sex on the bus. I mean it, we have a hotel night tomorrow, it won’t kill you to keep it in your pants until then. None of us is getting any, you’re gonna live”, Ray stated in a no-nonsense kind of tone. But he was smiling when he said it, apparently already getting over his grudge. Gerard decided not to test their friend’s patience any more and got out of the bathroom to give Frank some privacy for showering. One by one they all got cleaned up and piled into the bus before they stopped at a McDonald’s and grabbed something to eat. Soon enough they were on their way to Chicago for the two last stops of the tour.

 

The problem with touring had always been that there was practically no privacy on a bus with a bunch of dudes, which was why it was only after everyone had gone to bed that Gerard and Frank finally had a chance to talk. They laid on the battered and actually pretty gross couch in the lounge area of the bus, sharing a blanket and facing each other with Gerard's arms around Frank and Frank’s hands resting on his chest. “Gee? When did you… you know… fall in love with me?”, he asked shyly and Gerard smiled fondly at the memory. “I didn’t realize what it was at the time, but probably… 9th of September, 2001?”, he answered readily. “What the fuck, dude, you remember the exact date?! Hang on, we didn’t even know each other until October!”, Frank blurted out incredulously. Gerard chuckled at that before he explained: “It was a party at the Eyeball House the night before Mikey’s birthday, you spilled your beer all over my shirt.” “Duuuuude! Holy shit! That was six years ago!”, Frank murmured quietly and shook his head.  
  
“Can I return the question?”, Gerard asked him and beamed at Frank when he was told that it had been the moment they hugged after he had agreed to join the band. “We’re fucking idiots”, Gerard determined fondly before he kissed his boyfriend. Just because he could. “Oh God, I’m so sorry for all the shit I said the night we had sex for the very first time. I felt so bad because of Jamia and I was fucking scared what my parents would say if they knew and… I was so sure that you would never love me the way I loved you. But then you had that fucked up idea of us blowing each other for fun and I simply couldn’t say no, you know? I thought that I could have that little piece of you, it was too good to resist. But eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. You never tried to take things further, but I wanted so much more, I wanted a family. Ending it was the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done and I wanted to tell you how I felt so badly that night. But you didn’t say anything to hold me back, you weren’t even jealous, so I left and proposed to Jamia instead”, Frank whispered with his face hidden in Gerard’s shoulder.  
  
He took a deep, shuddering breath. Only remembering that night was enough to bring back the hollow pain in his chest. “I was so shocked, I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to run after you, but you had made your decision and you had been clear about what you wanted from the beginning, so I didn’t feel like I had the right to, like… stand in the way of your happiness. And I _was_ jealous, _God_ , I was so fucking jealous. I actually cried myself to sleep in Mikey’s bed that night”, Gerard admitted softly and blinked away the wetness in his eyes. He wouldn’t ruin his voice even more before tomorrow’s concert. “Really?”, Frank wanted to know in a very small voice. Gerard sighed. “I’m afraid we’ve put him through quite a lot, he’s seen me break down so often over this, what did you think why he gave you the ‘momma-bear-speech’ earlier?”, he explained bashfully and buried his nose in Frank’s soft hair. He breathed in the scent of his shampoo when he felt slightly chapped lips on his neck. Gerard simply couldn't bite back the loud moan, that escaped him and threw back his head to grant Frank easier access.  
  
“BOYSSSSS!!! We’ve talked about this!”, Ray yelled from the bunks, accompanied by a chorus of grumpy groans and muttered curses. Way to kill the mood. “Come on, I’m knackered”, Gerard murmured and gave Frank another tender kiss before they called it a night and went to bed. Gerard crawled into Frank's bunk with him, because Mikey had annexed his. It was a tight fit, but somehow they managed to squeeze into the tiny space together. Actually Gerard had hoped to continue where they had left off, but there simply was no room in here and he didn’t want their first time as an actual couple to be anything but perfect. “Only a few more hours”, Frank whispered next to him, cuddled up to his side and his legs intertwined with his. “Can’t wait”, Gerard replied, trying his best to ignore his boner. “Not just blowjobs this time. I want to go all the way. Actually I’ve wanted you to fuck me ever since our first time after the Reggie Tour”, Frank murmured and Gerard nearly choked on his spit.  
  
“Oh my God, are you _serious?!_ ”, Bob said from across the aisle. “Do I even want to know?”, Ray asked from above. “They’ve been fucking since the Reggie Tour!”, their drummer explained, earning matching groans from Mikey, Ray and James while Brian and Matt snored through the entire thing. “Wait – Reggie Tour as in _2003?!”,_ James inquired incredulously. “Unfortunately, yes. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice”, Mikey added his two cents. It was silent for a few seconds before Ray stated: “I’m too old for this shit.” Gerard heroically bit back a comment about Ray hitting thirty last month. “Can we all just shut up and pretend this never happened?”, Mikey pleaded with them. “Hey guys, who’s topping?”, Bob cackled. “DON’T YOU DARE ANSWER THAT, I DON’T WANNA KNOW!!!”, Mikey yelled and, judging by the sounds from Gerard's bunk, started to blast the Smashing Pumpkins through his headphones at maximum volume.  
  
Gerard couldn’t quite decide whether he wanted to throttle their drummer or die of embarrassment. Frank buried his face in Gerard’s shoulder and groaned, he was probably bright red. Tank God that seemed to be the end of it. As much as he loved them, sometimes Gerard would like nothing more than to tie up his band mates and leave them somewhere dangerous. “Can’t wait, Frankie. I love you”, he whispered extra quietly and was rewarded with a content sigh and a tender kiss. Eventually the events of the day took their toll and they both fell asleep within minutes.


	6. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty much PWP. I didn't necessarily plan to end it like this, it just... happened. Hope you like it.
> 
> Thank you to everybody, who read, left kudos and to pantlesschibi for commenting.

Gerard had no idea how they made it through the next day, but eventually he could close the door of their hotel room behind them. The show had been awesome, they had been on fire and he had kissed Frank no less than three times during their set. Gerard had dragged Frank out of their dressing room as soon as they had grabbed their stuff and into the taxi he had hailed for them. They had made it to their destination in under ten minutes and Gerard had tossed a few notes at the driver (probably way too much, but he didn’t give a fuck), before they had run inside and checked in hurriedly. So here they were, still sweaty and gross from playing, but finally alone. Gerard stood a few feet away from Frank, both with their bags in their hands and nearly choking on the thick tension in the air. Frank was already panting with his pupils blown wide and Gerard couldn't wait a second longer. “Come here!”, he growled deep in his throat, dropped his bag and all but pounced on Frank.

 

Their teeth collided in a messy kiss while they impatiently tried to get each others’ clothes off. In the end Gerard huffed with frustration and simply ripped Frank’s white dress shirt open, so that he could latch onto his nipple and grab the elegantly curved lines of the ‘Search And Destroy’ tattoo on his hips. Buttons scattered everywhere and he knew that he would get shit for that later, but he couldn’t care less. “Oh fuck, Gee!”, Frank moaned while his fingers found their way into Gerard's hair and held him firmly in place. His other hand untied the red bandanna Gerard was still wearing and pushed his black jacket off his shoulders. “Come shower with me, we’re fucking gross”, Frank ground out, followed by a whimper as Gerard bit his pecs hard enough to bruise. Usually Gerard really liked the way Frank always was the cleanest one of them and how he smelled really nice, but right now he really wished his boyfriend didn’t have that thing about cleanliness. “You’re gonna need another one once I’m done with you, anyway”, he said suggestively while he peeled his boyfriend’s blue jeans off his strong thighs.

 

Soon enough they were both down to their underwear and Gerard bit his lips in anticipation as he stared at the prominent bulge in Frank's briefs. It had been so fucking long, so long since he had been with him. What he had had with Lindsey over the past few weeks had been nice, but nowhere near as raw and earth-shattering as this. "Come on, Gee, we're a mess and I'm not getting into a clean bed like this!", Frank pouted, successfully shutting Gerard up. Before he knew it, he was dragged to the bathroom and shoved into the shower. Frank joined him only a moment later and quickly got rid of his last piece of clothing. Gerard's breath caught in his throat when he stood before him in all his glory. He couldn't believe that he had gotten lucky enough to have this again, it felt like a dream, a damned good one. Frank smirked at him and purposefully bit at his lip ring, something that never ceased to turn Gerard on, as his boyfriend knew only too well. "You wanna shower in your boxers?", he asked him, his perfectly shaped eyebrows raised in question. Gerard was already so far gone, that it took him a few seconds to process that and divest himself.  
  
Frank turned on the water, closed the distance between them and cuddled up to Gerard's chest. He wrapped his arms around his waist, tucked his head beneath his chin and pressed his lips to the hollow of his throat. Gerard was suddenly overwhelmed by a rush of emotion. Frank was so warm, firm and _real_ in his arms, this was everything he had dreamed of. How had he ever let him walk away without a fight? God, this was the closest to heaven he had ever been and he never wanted to let go again. Gerard held Frank as close as he possibly could and pressed his lips into his hair. “I love you, Frankie”, he whispered quietly, still amazed that he was actually allowed to say it out loud now. “Love you too, Gee”, Frank responded and pushed against his chest until he could pull back a little and kiss Gerard heatedly. A low, desperate moan ripped out of Gerard's throat. He kissed back with everything he had, sucked on Frank’s tongue and clawed at his skin, probably already leaving scratches and bruises all over him. By now his cock was throbbing with need and he nearly would have cried out as his boyfriend ground against him with a filthy moan and their slick bodies created the most delicious kind of friction.

 

When they finally came up for air, they stared at each other, still panting from their kiss. The water was still raining down on them, a few drops catching on Frank’s long lashes and glittering like little diamonds. God, he was so fucking beautiful! “Wash up, I want you to fuck me on that bed! I’m not waiting any longer than I absolutely have to!”, Frank bossed him around and shoved a small bottle of body wash with the hotel’s logo on it into Gerard's hand. Gerard chuckled to himself and quickly did as he was bid while Frank lathered his hair. However, when he watched the soapsuds slide down Frank’s toned back, he just couldn't help himself and fell to his knees. Fucking would have to wait. “Gee, what the-… Oh fuck, fuck, _fuck_ , don’t stop!”, Frank yelled when Gerard grabbed his tasty ass with both hands and buried his tongue between his cheeks. The shampoo bottle cluttered down from Frank’s hands when he braced himself against the shower wall and pushed back against Gerard’s face. He flattened his tongue and licked a long stripe all the way from bottom to top.

 

Frank let out an inarticulate scream and shuddered violently, to the point of Gerard having to hold his hips in place. They had never done this before, Frank’s ass had always been a taboo zone, but damn, Gerard couldn't even count how often he had fantasized about this! When he closed his lips over Frank’s hole and sucked at the rim, he was rewarded with a plethora of curses and needy moans. Frank had always had a filthy mouth, in and out of bed, but never like this. It went straight to Gerard’s cock, he could probably come from this alone. He took another deep breath and pushed at the puckered skin with the tip of his tongue. Frank arched his back and howled: “FUCK! Moremoremore, _oh_ _God, please, Gee!!!”_ Gerard chuckled to himself and went as deep as he could go. It was kinda strange and it took only a minute for an ache to form in muscles he hadn’t even known he had, but the noises Frank made were so worth it. 

 

Eventually Gerard eased in a spit-slick finger alongside his tongue and started to search for Frank’s prostate. He had never done that part before, but he had watched enough gay porn to know how it was supposed to work. When Frank gasped for breath and nearly jumped out of his skin, Gerard grinned triumphantly and carefully added a second finger. He rubbed small circles against his boyfriend’s sweet spot until Frank’s knees shook so badly, that he feared he would fall any moment. “F-Fuck me, Gee!”, Frankie hissed and whimpered when Gerard pulled out his fingers. He shut off the water and tossed a towel at his boyfriend before he somewhat dried himself off, as well. 

 

When they returned to the bedroom, Frank rummaged through his bag and produced a full bottle of lube and a pack of condoms. “How did you get that?”, Gerard asked him in awe. As far as he knew, Frank hadn’t left the venue today, not even once. “I made Brian go and buy it. He didn’t want to, but since the alternative was me not being able to sit and walk tomorrow...”, Frank explained with a cunning grin. Gerard laughed quietly and set both items on the nightstand. He would have loved to see their manager’s face. Frank pulled him in for another kiss and they fell sideways onto the bed together. “Do we even need condoms? I’m pretty sure I’ve never had unprotected sex outside of my long-term relationships and I got tested after I got sober”, Gerard panted against Frank’s lips. His boyfriend smiled at him and murmured: “I’m definitely clean. I really fucking hate condoms… and I want to feel you come inside me.” Gerard groaned at that, the mental image was enough to make his cock throb and his hands shake. He quickly grabbed the lube from the nightstand. “Ready?”, he asked his boyfriend before he coated his fingers. “Jesus Christ, I’ve been ready for this for four years, get on with it!”, Frank ground out, rolled his eyes and spread his legs.

 

Gerard gently eased two fingers inside. Frank took them easily, after all they had already been this far a few minutes ago. Frank moaned unabashedly and pushed down on the fingers in his ass. He was so fucking tight, Gerard couldn’t wait for the moment he would replace them with his cock. Maybe a little too soon, he added a third finger and Frank hissed and tensed up at the burn, but he didn’t tell him to stop. Eventually his boyfriend ground out: “Fuck me already, Gee!” Frank winced a little when Gerard pulled back his hand and started to lather up his cock. He had imagined fucking Frank in probably every possible position, but he really wanted to see his face when he pushed inside for the very first time. So he spread his boyfriend’s legs and pushed them upwards until his knees rested on his shoulders. God, Frank looked fucking gorgeous like this! His hole was pink from all the stretching and it twitched wildly when he shuddered in anticipation. 

 

Gerard lined himself up. His breath caught in his throat when he watched himself press into Frank’s body. The moment he penetrated him and actually sunk inside felt like nothing he had ever experienced before. Frank was almost painfully tight, he squeezed him so unrelentingly, it took all of Gerard’s willpower not to slam his cock in balls deep right away. Frank was breathing heavily, he was obviously in pain. Gerard stilled for a moment and waited until he relaxed a bit and gave him a nod and a shaky smile before he pushed in further. Somehow that part looked a lot easier in porn. Eventually they managed to get the head inside and Frank stiffened again. “Fuck, it hurts like a bitch”, he ground out through gritted teeth. There were tears in his eyes and Gerard hated himself for being the cause of his pain. “Do you want me to pull out?”, he murmured quietly and kissed away the stray tear, that rolled down Frank’s temple. 

 

“Don’t you dare! I can take it, go on!”, his boyfriend exclaimed heatedly and took a deep breath before he grabbed Gerard's ass with both hands and pressed down, forcing his entire length inside. Gerard’s yell of surprise mingled with Frank’s pained groan. It felt so. Fucking. Great! Nothing had ever been so good before, Frank was incredibly tight, so much better than every fantasy he had ever had. “Fuck! Oh shit, that was a bad idea”, Frank whimpered. He was shaking while fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. Gerard covered his face in butterfly kisses. “You’re doing so good, love. Try to relax, I know you can do it”, he whispered softly. “Why do you have to be so goddamn big!? I’m definitely not a size queen”, Frank murmured under his breath and Gerard had to fight really hard not to burst out laughing.

 

It took a while, but eventually Frank relaxed around him and his frown disappeared. “I think I’m okay. Can you try to move? But, like… gently”, he said and Gerard carefully pulled out a little before he slid back inside. Frank’s eyes went wide as saucers. “Oooooh fuck, that’s good, do that again!”, he whispered and wrapped his legs around Gerard's waist. Gerard complied eagerly, finally getting the friction he needed. His thrusts were slow and shallow, but after a few minutes Frank begged him for more. He pulled out nearly all the way and slammed back inside, his eyes rolling back into his head at the feeling. Frank let out a positively pornographic moan. And that was the end of Gerard’s self-control.

 

He braced himself on his knees and elbows and started to thrust in earnest. Gerard changed the angle a few times, searching for that magic spot, that would make Frank scream. And, fuck, did he scream! When Gerard leaned a little to the right, Frank sucked in a huge breath and howled in ecstasy. Damn, that had probably been loud enough for the entire floor to hear, but Gerard was already way too far gone to care. He fucked Frank so hard, that the headboard slammed against the wall with each of his movements. It still wasn’t enough, his boyfriend was still begging incoherently for more, harder, deeper. Gerard jackhammered into his prostate, feeling his balls tighten and the pressure in his core rise. He desperately fought to keep his orgasm at bay, but there was no helping it. Gritting his teeth, he blindly reached for Frank’s cock and jerked him a few times. 

 

Just when Gerard started to lose it, Frank reared up, dug his nails into Gerard’s ass and bit his shoulder as he coated their chests in ropes of white and moaned in abandon. Gerard felt something warm and wet drip down his shoulder and that was, what finally pushed him over the edge. He threw back his head and roared like a bull as his orgasm tore through him. His hips jerked against Frank’s ass when gushes of hot cum shot out of his cock and he shuddered violently with every single one. He pulsed and twitched in Frank’s ass, every delicious contraction of his boyfriend’s muscles milking a little more out of him and sending scorching hot shock waves through his entire body. Gerard’s heart was racing a mile a minute, he could hardly breathe and black dots were flickering before his eyes, but the all-encompassing satisfaction was better than anything he could have ever imagined.

 

“Frankie, are you okay?”, he asked as soon as he had calmed down enough to speak. “Y-yeah. Could you pull out?”, Frank panted and winced when Gerard complied. He tried to sit down next to his boyfriend, but hissed when the pain in his own behind registered. What the hell?! Long, angry red scratches covered his skin and it burned quite a bit when Gerard tried to touch them carefully. He hadn’t even realized that Frank had battered him so much. “Fuck, my ass hurts”, his boyfriend groaned beside him. “Mine too, thanks a lot”, Gerard sighed a little annoyed and showed him the marks. “At least I’m not the only one, who won’t be able to sit tomorrow”, Frank said with a giggle. Gerard grinned back and carefully pulled him into his arms. “Brian is gonna kill us”, he stated matter-of-factly, but he honestly didn’t give a shit. “Worth it”, Frank agreed and wanted to snuggle up to Gerard's chest when he wrinkled his nose and exclaimed: “Shit! Fuck, Gee, you’re bleeding!”

 

Gerard hadn’t even noticed the dull throbbing in his shoulder, but now that he took a look and discovered the two perfect half moons his boyfriend’s teeth had left there, it definitely became more than a little uncomfortable. Ouch. While they had been at it, it had been fucking hot, but now it hurt like a bitch. “Shit, we should really clean that up. I don’t know if you’re gonna need stitch-…”, Frank started to say, but Gerard cut him off right away and yelled: “No fucking needles!” His boyfriend flinched immediately and held up both hands to placate him. “Alright, alright, man, chill. And for the record: I’m really sorry, I never wanted to hurt you”, he apologized. Well, that and a dollar would get Gerard a cup of coffee, but he was way too knackered to bitch about it.

 

In the meantime he fumbled for his phone and dialed Ray’s number. Their band mom usually had supplies at the ready, in case Frank decided to add to his impressive list of injuries on stage. “So what, are you quite finished and we can finally enter our room _right next to yours_ again?”, his friend greeted him grumpily. Yeah. Shit. They _had_ been pretty loud. This wasn’t awkward at all. “Uhmm… yeah, we’re done. Sorry ‘bout that. Say… do you still have that first aid kit?”, Gerard murmured sheepishly. “No! We’re not doing this! What the fuck is wrong with you guys?! Scratch that, I don’t wanna know. Geez, I can’t leave you alone for a second!”, Ray complained and Gerard could just picture his expression of ‘why-is-it-always-me’. “Please, Ray, I’m gonna owe you big time! Frankie’s a fucking vampire, he bit me and I really don’t wanna go to a hospital with this, they’re gonna stitch it up!”, he pleaded with his friend and earned an exasperated sigh from Ray and an impish giggle from his boyfriend. He should have known that Frank would love the vampire bit, he looked far too pleased with himself.

 

A few minutes later there was a knock on their door and Gerard quickly wiped himself down with his old boxers before he carefully put on a clean pair, wincing when the fabric touched the scratches on his ass. That was a no to his skinny jeans. “Boysss, put some clothes on!”, Ray shouted as soon as he set eyes on him. “Dude, we’ve lived in a van, nothing you haven’t seen before”, Gerard said with a shrug and waved him and Bob inside. Why the drummer had decided to show up as well, he had no idea. Frank sat up in bed to greet their friends, but he flinched and laid back down immediately. “And that’s another fifty bucks for me, Toro! Told you Frank was gonna bottom!”, Bob exclaimed with a smug grin. Of fucking course. So much for that. “I swear to God, I’m never betting against you again”, Ray scowled and shoved Gerard down into an armchair by the window.

 

He suffered through Ray’s treatment and Bob’s gloating, but eventually they were left alone again and Gerard crawled into bed with Frank. “I love you, Gee”, his boyfriend whispered as he huddled up to his side and threw one of is arms across his belly. “I love you too, Frankie”, he replied and bit back a yawn. What a fucking crazy night. But knowing them, he probably should have expected something dumb to happen. And he wouldn’t want it any other way. Gerard thought back to his encounter with Natalie on the roof. It seemed like a lifetime ago. He might never know what had become of her, but he really hoped that she would find her happily ever after, just like he had. She had given him the push into the right direction he had needed and Gerard was incredibly grateful for that. He kissed his boyfriend’s hair and fell asleep with his warm breath on his skin. Tonight was the beginning of the rest of their lives. They still had quite a lot ahead of them, especially Frank’s divorce and coming out to their fans, but he was pretty sure they could handle that. For now, he was happy. The happiest he had ever been.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me what you think!


End file.
